Forgive Me My Frito-licious Transgressions

If a man's home is his castle, then a woman's car is her den of iniquity. And I'm not even talking about the kinds of trouble a young woman in the 50s might've gotten themselves into in the backseat of her boyfriend's Chevy.

The transgressions I'm talking about take form in little pieces. Little bite-sized pieces. Wrapped in cellophane.

Yesterday I had a conversation that really put me on edge. I thought about it, worried a little, got angry, worried a little more, and by dinner time, I was still replaying the conversation in my mind. Oh well, I sighed. I've got to let this go. It's time to stop obsessing.

So I set to the task at hand, which happened to be running to the store for a few odds and ends for that night's dinner. Hmmmm, y'know what would taste good with the hamburgers and the salad I'm making? I thought to myself. Chips. Some good, healthy, grainy chips.

The chip aisle is beautiful. All those bags with photographs of chips, magnified 100 times. You can see every ridge, every curl. You can practically see the grains of luminous salt on each chip. The bags make that satisfying crunch sound. I like to run my hands over all the chips. So many kinds! Healthy choices: multi-grain. Baked! Organic! Isn't it wonderful?

I did run my hands over all those healthy choices. But you and I both know how this story ends: Me, grabbing a bag of the Frito's Honey BBQ twists, the kind with the sickeningly artificial red powder. My eyes dart up and down the aisle. Did anyone see me? I dodged to the self-checkout lane, quickly purchased my items, being sure to put the bag of Frito's on the top of the last bag I put into my cart.

From there, it's all over. By the time I've returned home, half the bag is devoured, the shrunken, crumpled wrapper lying in a demoralized heap in my car's passenger seat, as I lick my fingers noisily.

What have I done?

For a brief moment, I was able to step outside of myself and see this scene. It struck me as being so funny and so pitiful all at the same time that I decided to mention it on my Facebook status. And the comments came rolling in. I was expecting some light chiding, or perhaps some encouragement to break my habit. Instead, I got a confessional. Turns out, I'm not the only one who pigs out in the car and hides the evidence. I got admissions from friends, profiling their vices: licorice, Pringles, dark chocolate mints, donuts. Beef jerky. Nutter Butters. My friend Chris asked me (or was she ordering me?) to share my Frito's, because those are her vice, too. (My answer? "No.")

I wonder if I will ever stop stress eating. I wonder why so many people do it. All I know is that when I am upset, stressed or hurt, my thoughts don't turn to revenge; they turn to the small stash of candy bars I hid in my glove compartment. And so do you.

Shhhhhhhhh.

Wouldn't it be Nice if a Failure Were Actually an Achievement?

It's Monday morning, and my kids got tardy slips at school.

Again.

I dropped my boys off in front of the school and watched them walk in, slowly. They hate getting tardy slips. The front office has a big window, and I watch the nice lady in the front office hand my kids the cheerful pink slips. They trudged to their classrooms. I drive home, feeling like I have a big red "FAILURE" stamped across my forehead.

A few years ago, when I was in a terrible habit of not getting my kids to school on time, I received a letter from the school.

Dear Distracted Mommy, it read. Please be informed that your student, Distracted Mommy's Son, has accrued quite a few tardies. Please make more of an effort to get your child to school on time ...

Okay, I don't remember exactly what the letter said. But when I read it, I swore I could see the words "You Fail" on the watermark of the paper.

This morning, I've decided I don't want to start a Monday off feeling like such a failure. So I'm drafting an imaginary letter to myself from my sons' school:

Dear Distracted Mommy,


Congratulations! Your sons were tardy to school this morning, but only by two minutes! That's a lot better than last week, when they were 11 minutes late.


Also, we want to commend you for never, not even once, sending your sons to school in their pajamas. We know the temptation has been there many times, and yet your sons come to school each day, fully dressed. Amazing!


Another list of achievements:


Kudos for not feeding your children last night's cold pizza and flat soda for breakfast, even though that would've been a lot easier than giving them a bowl of cereal.


Also, we're so proud that your son's socks match this morning! And the other son looked like he combed at least the front part of his hair.


Keep up the good work!


Sincerely yours,
Your sons' school

Hand-Me-Down Heaven

It's a weekday morning in early fall, and it looks like psychedelic fairies just threw up in my living room.

I guess it's right now, as the summer warmth give way to the crispness of fall, that mothers everywhere are sorting clothes. As I go through my daughter's dresser drawers, I longingly look at each item, remembering the ill-fated sundress that never recovered from the cherry-red popsicle—sadly, that will go in the rag pile—then smelling the faint smell of chlorine on the sunshine-yellow bathing suit with ruffles. A mother's heart breaks at the letting go of each little article of clothing, because it symbolizes the relentless forward march of time, and the irretrievable nature of childhood.

But just as soon as I drop off a donation to the local thrift shop, or give a bag of little dresses to a friend whose daughter will fit them, I'll get a call from a mother in my neighborhood. Her voice will be tentative, as if she realizes she is at risk of offending me.

"I have some hand-me-downs. Would you—could you use them?"

There is always a little bit of embarrassment in the voice of the mother offering hand-me-downs. I guess to the giver, it sounds like, "Do you want my leftovers? My garbage?" But to me, the receiver, I hear, "Do you want some nice, gently-used clothes for free, thus saving you loads of cash and time spent shopping in busy department stores with screaming children in tow?"

Uh, yes. The answer is always YES.

Hand-me-downs are magical. They are a hug from the giver. They are an homage to the "big kid" who has given them up. It is like a huge present of brightly colored fragments of rainbow.

My daughter is delighted with our latest gift of hand-me-downs. She will spend all afternoon seeing if the Tinkerbell shirt goes with the ruffled skirt; she may toy with the idea of striped pants with a flowered shirt; she squeals at the sight of the jammies covered in princesses.

When the Mommy drops off the bag of hand-me-downs, and I take them, I never hide my delight. I want her to know there is no greater gift than what she has just given me. And between us is the unspoken understanding that I will pay the favor forward, handing on the gently used hand-me-downs to the next mother, and the next, and the next. We will keep the clothes moving in that synergistic circle of hand-me-down heaven.

Ladies Night at the Shop

Ever since we decided to give our kids an allowance, they have become fascinated with the mason jar we gave them to hold their money. Each pay day, they gather at the table where we ceremoniously drop in their money, an amount calculated according to their age.

The six year-old is fully aware that his jar has less in it than his two older brothers. Just another harsh reality for the third son in the family.

"My shop is open, Mom," says my six year-old. He jangles his jar, and holds it towards me. He's not begging; he knows I'm a sucker for his massage service, where he'll offer to knead my back, my arms, or my hands—for only 25¢ a pop. It's an incredible deal for me, who is too thrifty and frugal to take myself to an actual spa, even though I dream of it daily. So my quarters have started to raise the level in his jar of money, trying to close the gap of injustice created by his rotten luck of being born after his brothers.

My little entrepreneur even understands that the consumer loves a good bargain, and offered "Ladies Night" a few nights ago, where I received the same gentle but loving massage on my aching shoulders for only a nickel (I bought two sessions).

I don't know how long this will last, but I will be his faithful customer to the end. And I've decided to be loyal, through the struggling economy and all.

The other night, as I prepared to be pampered by my miniature businessman, I got out my change. "Twenty-five cents, right?" I asked, secretly hoping it was Ladies Night again.

"No," he sighed, apologetically. "I'm sorry to say, the price has gone up. I have to charge you 28¢ now."

"Whoa," I say, trying to hide my amusement. "That's steep."

"I'm really sorry," he said again. "But I'm saving up for an electric guitar."

What Did You Just Say?

Some of the best comedy of motherhood, in my opinion, comes as our children learn to navigate the good ol' English language. One of our sons excitedly used to point out, "Look! Abstinence!" every time he saw an ambulance. Then there was the misnomer "catpicker," used to describe a caterpillar. My husband still remembers feeling a twinge of sadness the night one son realized he could say "movie" instead of the previously uber-adorable pronunciation of "moonie." (We still have moonie nights at our house—we can't seem to let that one go.)

On a recent car ride, our daughter was getting increasingly frustrated with being restrained for hours on end in her car seat. Irritated that her belongings kept falling to the floor of the car and out of her reach, she demanded, in a screaming voice: "I WANT MY BEER AND CRACK!" Horrified, my husband and I looked around at the customers at the gas station, hoping no one heard her. Of course, as seasoned parents, we knew her precise meaning: she wanted her bear and her crocs, both fallen victims to the crumb-covered floormats below her bare feet.

Tonight, as I was filling the bathtub, I instructed my son to get ready for his bath. "Okay, Mom," he said, starting to take off his shirt. "But just be careful of my nuts."

WHAAAAAAT? My mind raced. Did he already learn to talk so crudely from the playground? It's only the second day of school! How could this have happened?

I spun around, to see my son's angelic face, smiling at me. "See?" he asked me. "My nuts are right there."

I looked down.

*huge sigh of relief*

There were the acorns he had been collecting that afternoon, placed carefully on the bathroom rug.

Eulogy for Summer

The cicadas are chirping, the evening sun begins to take on a more golden hue, and the backpacks are parked by the door, lined up like soldiers ready for battle. Summer is gone, and school begins tomorrow.

I will miss Summer 2010, but I'm a better person having known her. Her life was short, but she lived it to the fullest.

Through her selflessness, our family enjoyed a trip to Graceland, time to visit with both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins; she afforded us some dramatic thunderstorms, many hot days and slightly cooler evenings. Our skin bronzed in her glow. There was splashing in the pool, some mosquito-ridden camping, adventures with bikes, skateboards, and pogo sticks. There was a funeral, a wedding, a birthday party. There were concerts, fireworks, a trip to the blueberry patch.

I will remember fondly the endless parade of friends she allowed to come through my house. The smiles on the children, with slightly mussed hair, the "thank yous" in answer to the offer of cold lemonade.

Summer gave me more excuses to say "yes" and less reasons to say "no."

Summer gave us time. Time to love, to read, to get to know each other, to do the things we love to do.

We loved you, Summer. And we love you still.

Scene from a Road Trip

We’ve driven this car ride probably a hundred times, the interminably straight line between our house and my husband’s hometown, the hundreds of miles that stretch across flat plains, carved out between corn fields that run into more cornfields that occasionally back up to soybean fields. Eleven hours in the car. Each way. Four kids in the back of the van, asking, “How many more minutes?” Patient dog, incurably happy to be with us, drooling as she smiles a floppy-tongued grin.

The kids fight, or sing, or beg for snacks doled out from our cooler that I’ve packed before we left. We pass the time, remembering our favorite scenes from movies, or talking about current events. We fall into a pleasant kind of rhythm, between naps, then eating, then noisy, raucous laughter. Alphabet games as the bulletin boards whiz by. I like to guess where the other cars on the road are going, or where they’ve been.

These eleven hour stints are the barometer of our marriage. If there’s been a fight just before our departure, the eleven hours can seem like weeks. There have been long, quiet hours of angry silence, punctuated by perfunctory requests for a kleenex or a look at the map. 

But there can be those nice silences, those silences that signify that while, we may not have anything pressing to discuss at the moment, we are just as happy to sit side by side,watching the landscape fly past our car windows.

Oh. And there’s always roadkill to talk about. So. Much. Roadkill.

Inevitably, in the last few hours of the trip home, slap-happy-ness sets in. The kids have had just about enough of the seatbelt, the awful food and lukewarm drinks out of their water bottles, and we’re all anxious to see our house and play with toys and take a hot shower and get down to our at-home-ness.

“Do you know all the words to the ‘Love Boat’ theme?” my husband asks.

“What?”

“You heard me,” he smiles. “Do you know it? Can you sing it? All the words?”

This definitely sounds like a challenge. And having grown up in the 80s, I’ve pretty much got this in the bag.

“Of course!” I blurt out.

“I don’t think you can,” he says.

I straighten in my seat. Quickly shedding my two-lane highway coma, I feel my competitive spirit coming alive.

“Oh, I can,” I say, with sass in my voice. “And I will.”

It was glorious, my friends. Somewhere from the dark recesses of my memory, I saw it all: the sparkling blue waters of the ocean, the smiling faces of Doc Bricker, Julie with the clipboard, and Gopher, waiting to grab my luggage. I filled my lungs and sang it full throttle while he grinned, shaking his head but keeping his eyes vigilantly on the road. I sang it all, right down to the little “Dee-da dee-da da da das” played by the synthesized trumpets between the phrases.

“Wow,” he says, shaking his head. “I didn’t think you could do it.”

I sit back and adjust my seatbelt. I smile to myself, as we settle back into a comfortable silence. I look out the window. I see rows of corn, and a poor skunk at the side of the road, whose early demise left him in an unnatural position facing the unforgiving sun.

Under his breath, I hear my husband humming. I smile when I recognize the opening bars of the Love Boat theme. I have the feeling he’s going to have that tune in his head all the way to the state line.

“How many more minutes?” asks a tiny voice from the back seat.

Tears in my Dishwater

I had a happy reunion recently, and at the end of it, I found myself standing over a pan of hot soapy water, bawling my eyes out. Let me explain:

A few weeks ago, I got an unexpected call from an old friend. As soon as I heard her say, "Hello!" I knew it was her. She and I met at a block party twelve years ago when we were both young mothers of toddler boys (1 each). We were both navigating our new lives as stay-at-home mothers, still shell-shocked from the transition to our new careers as distracted mommies. Over the next two years, we forged a friendship that became very strong. We had each other's backs: I once called her, frantic, when an out of town visitor arrived a day earlier than expected. When her second child arrived, I was the one who got the call at 2 a.m. to come and stay with her son.

When I moved several states away, we wrote letters that really read more like novellas. Then she moved several states away. More novellas. We never lost contact. We emailed. We sent photos of our kids at Christmas.

So last week, I saw my sweet distracted mommy friend after 10 years. We hugged and giggled and gossiped. For a few hours, her kids played with my kids while we talked at break-neck speed and tried to fill each other in on the past decade.


So why was I crying?


Well, she had to leave. After our precious few hours together, my friend packed her kids up in the car and drove away. I stood in my front yard, and watched her car disappear around the corner.


Then I headed back into the house, ran a dishpan of hot soapy water, and started scrubbing at the pizza pans from dinner. And I started bawling. Silent tears, so my children didn't think I'd completely lost it. Being a mother, I cry about everything now. Not just sad movies and YouTube videos of adorable kittens. I cry now because of friendship. I guess I was crying because she left and I don't know if it'll be another 10 years before I see her again. But I think I was crying happy tears, too. There are precious friendships that come and go, but those few that last are pretty precious. Tears-in-dishwater-worthy.

The Best Worst Day

It was a rough day deep in the trenches of motherhood, my friends. If I heard, "It's not fair!" once, I heard it a hundred times. We had more than our share of tantrums today. Crabbiness abounded. And that includes Mommy. Nothing was going right today.

Late in the afternoon, my teenager had me drop him off at the city pool with a friend. They had never done this before. I think I felt a little nervous about this, but I didn't say it to them. I think they might have been a little nervous about this, too. Well, some fears must be faced head-on. What's the point of discussing?

In any event, their trip to the pool got me thinking: why wave the white flag on this day? Why let it go out with a whimper? I gathered up the towels and the pool passes. We were going to end this day on a high note if it killed us. I herded my three younger kids to the van, and off we went. Even on the way to the van, I had to referee a battle between two of the children. ("It's mine!" "No, it's mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "MINE!" "MINE!!" "MIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNE!"—with a quick swipe backwards with one hand while keeping the other hand firmly on the wheel, I grabbed the item in question. Both kids stopped screaming and stared at me. "Huh," I told them. "Looks like it's mine.")

From then on, the worst day instantly transformed to the best day. I don't know why. It's not for me to question. All I know is that I want to wrap up and keep forever a few little mental pictures of tonight at the city pool:

• My 9 year-old climbing timidly to the top of the huge water slide. In a glorious splash at the bottom, he swam triumphantly to the edge of the water. I smiled in approval. Later, he told me the lifeguard at the top gave him a test to make sure he was old enough to go down the slide: a quick history question about the first President of the United States, and a math equation.

• The two year old, Miss Independent, refusing to hold my hand, even in deep water. She'd strut boldly into deeper territory, lose her balance, and fall face-first in the water. I'd help get her upright again, and as soon as she was above water, she'd shake my hand off her arm again. Sputtering, she'd wipe the water from her face, laugh, and boldly strut some more. No fear.

• The six year-old, who faced—and conquered!—the "Mushroom of Doom." The mushroom spills gallons of water over its rounded top, and you have to pass through a wall of water to reach the inner sanctum of the mushroom, where you hover close to the stem until you're brave enough to pass through the wall of water to the outside again. Last year, at five, the same child screamed bloody murder if I even suggested we go near the mushroom. This year, my manly six year old whooped and hollered and beat his chest, no longer afraid of the giant mushroom. He ran through the wall over and over, puffed with pride.

Each little "ta-da" moment is a precious gift. I've done this motherhood thing long enough now to know that this whole experience is a continuum of "never to be seen again" moments. So many firsts. If you miss them, they are gone. And you don't even have time to mourn the missed ones, because more firsts might get missed while you brood.

This is exactly why distracted mommies can't wave the white flag on those bad days. Because in just a moment, the worst day can turn into the best day. Why? I don't know. It's not for me to question.

The Power of Powerlessness

 

A powerful storm knocked out our power earlier this week. It was a storm with a fierceness that I don't think I've ever seen before. Rain and hail pummeled the pavement and wind snapped trees in half like mere toothpicks. In a few furious minutes, our quiet town was whipped and hurled and abused, then left in a battered heap. The storm came while I was in the grocery store with my husband, and we hurried home to check on our kids. 

The first thing we saw was the huge tree lying across our street. The way the mangled roots were exposed at the base of the tree, I could imagine a lonely giant, pulling the tree out of the ground like a child plucks a flower from a garden, then drops it to the ground when some other playful object catches his fancy.

As soon as the storm clouds cleared, the early evening light cast an eery golden sheen on everything. It made me wonder if the storm had really happened. But the evidence was everywhere. Branches and leaves peppered the landscape in addition to, I noticed with a twinge of disappointment, many shingles from our roof. Power was out in the entire neighborhood, and people slowly emerged from their homes to see what had happened.

An interesting thing transpires when a group of strangers experience a big event together. There's a camaraderie that comes on full force, without warning. I watched my neighborhood gather around the large uprooted tree as men swapped stories and decided on what tools were needed to dismantle the tree. Women gossiped and took pictures. My young neighbor headed straight to the home of an elderly neighbor, to check on her. The children squealed at the sight of a tree laying on its side, and they stood on top of it like kings and queens surveying their empire.

I've never loved my neighborhood more than in the aftermath of the storm. The twilight dwindled, and people stayed outside. Darkness came, and children began to beg for comforts: But without electricity, there was no hot food, no TV shows, no video games. No soft music to fall asleep to. Only darkness, and the warm flicker of candles. Perhaps a storybook, sliced by the sharp beam of a flashlight. And still, neighbors congregated outside. Down the block, colorful extension cords criss-crossed between houses, as gas generators were wheeled out and power was shared between neighbors.

The power was out, but I was witnessing a powerful display of friendship and compassion. We were all in this together, and for the next 36 hours, we often convened on our lawns, comparing notes and speculating when our power would be restored. 

Last week's storm was like a bubble of time standing in quiet isolation; the laundry would have to wait, and all small tasks took a back seat to clearing branches, repairing fences and most importantly, clearing out leaky basements. Our powerlessness braided our lives together for a brief time in a way that rivaled the power of the storm.

HIM: Mom, what does it feel like to be a girl?

ME: Hmmm. That's a tough question. I've always been a girl, so I don't know anything else. Can you tell me what it feels like to be a boy?

HIM: I don't know. It just feels ... regular.

Oh ... Now I Get It

The longest leg of a road trip is the distance between the front door and the car.

My Mom used to say this all the time when I was growing up. In my literalmindedness, I used to think that was such a ridiculous thing to say. Everyone knew it was just a few steps between the front door and the car parked in the driveway.

As our family prepared to leave for a vacation last week, something sank in. As I poured myself one more cup of coffee, I looked over my volumes of lists of things to do before we left. I had various columns in an effort to sort out and categorize my To Do list. I had a column for each of the four children; then there was the Food/Snacks column; then the Travel column, for guide books, the map, the brochures.

While I began sweating profusely over the task at hand (Item To Do #13 - shut down air conditioning to save energy), my kids sat slouched on the couch.

"Mom," sighed one of my sons, "when are we leaving??"

By their calculations, we should've left hours ago. They had packed their most necessary items: iPod, underwear, and a swimming suit for the hotel pool. They had movies and CDs for the car, and they had their wallets stuffed with coins for the perfect souvenir they were sure to find.

"I just need to do a few more things," I told them, and they rolled their eyes.
I turn the page and read the To Do column on page 4: "Close and lock windows."

I am sweating even more. I dump out the rest of my hot coffee and wonder if I have time to mix a batch of cold lemonade instead. Never mind; it's too late to dirty any more dishes. That was #11 on the list: NO DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK!

So this is what Mom always meant. Just getting out the door and starting the vacation is the hardest part. It's so hard to let go, so tough to choose just a few items to take along on our travels, to try and anticipate what exactly we will need for the next few days while our house sits empty and lifeless. And un-air conditioned.

My kids are glaring at me now as I rustle through my voluminous To Do list one more time. In them, I see the reflection of a younger version of myself, wondering why it was taking my Mom so long to get ready for a trip.

I really, really need a glass of lemonade right now. Maybe I'll get it after I find the camera charger and grab the first aid kit.

"You know what Grandma always used to say," I smile, trying to cajole my kids into a better mood. "The longest leg of a car trip is—"

"The distance between the front door and the car," they chime in with bored voices. "We know," says one of my sons. "You already told us."

"Like, a thousand times," my other sons adds.

"Oh," I say sheepishly. "Sorry." But inside I'm laughing. No, I'm cackling. It will all come full circle, like it did with me. Someday, they'll be the adults who have to think of everything. They will be the ones who have to wrestle with the endless lists, the planning.

I get it now, Mom. The longest part of the trip is just getting out the door. Oh, I get it.

Off With His Head!

As much as my daughter loves lace and flowers and glitter, she can also be a sword-wielding Ninja. I like to think she's well rounded.

When I look at this photo, it makes me chuckle. See that vacuum cleaner in the background? This Distracted Mommy thinks that by leaving the vacuum cleaner out, it gives the impression that some cleaning is going on. I assure you, there was no cleaning going on that day. Housekeeping comes in a distant second to enjoying the sight of a pretty little Ninja running after her big brothers.

The Perfectly Impractical Lesson of Lilacia Park

The smell of lilacs at their peak is so potent and so sweet, I find myself burying my face in the blooms. I can never seem to fill my lungs with enough of their heavenly scent. It's why I mark my calendar each year for "Lilac Time," when the blooms in Lilacia Park in Lombard, Ill. are bursting. This park, formerly the estate of Colonel William and Helen Plum, was bequeathed to the Village of Lombard to be used as a public park and serve as the grounds of the public library. The Plums began an extensive collection of lilacs after a visit to the gardens of Victor Lemoine in Nancy, France.

Each spring, I look forward to my visit to Lilacia Park. It is 8.5 acres of purple. Along the pleasing brick pathways are every imaginable variety of lilacs: some are white, some have tight, red buds, others flaunt a deep purple, others a pale lavender. Despite the noisy commuter train that passes just one block away from the park, peacefulness pervades the park. Rabbits and birds and insects and butterflies take residence there, and I am starkly aware that I am merely a visitor in their gorgeous purple palace.

I can be a painfully practical person. So my yearly visits to the park make me shake my head. What were the Plums thinking? Throughout the gardens, lilacs are the prevalent plant. Once, my family visited the park in late summer, and we were somewhat disappointed. "These are just bushes," one of my sons said. True, the lilac bushes are "just" bushes the rest of the year. So why would the Plums collect just one kind of plant, that only blooms for a short time each year?

The Plums have been gone for decades, so I can't ask them. But it reminds me of something very important each year. It reminds me that while practicality has its merits, sometimes practicality has to go right out the window. Sure, it would be more practical to have a variety of plants that bloomed continuously all summer, but where is the magnificence in that? One lilac bush is beautiful, but hundreds and hundreds of lilacs is something so awe inspiring that I can hardly speak when I'm inside the park at lilac time. It's the impracticality of it that makes it extraordinary. Years ago, one of my sons walked into the park for the first time. He was probably 4 or 5 years old. His eyes grew wide as he surveyed the pathways lined with lilacs. "Mom," he whispered reverently, "it looks like Jesus pushed the purple button."

I Didn't Know I Could Do That!

Midwest winters are long. When you have little kids, Midwest winters can feel even longer. Going outside is a chore with all the snow gear. Coming inside from a Midwest winter means snowy boots, ice encrusted gloves. But eventually, spring comes, and it feels like shedding a skin. The snow boots are up on a shelf, and our hall closet is no longer stuffed with snowpants and puffy winter coats. We can go outside on a whim, come back inside, go right out again. I hear the sliding door make that familiar rhythmic sound of opening, closing, and opening again.

Spring marks one of my favorite times as a mother. The kids are drawn to the outdoors, and rediscover the backyard and the other children in the neighborhood. And the most magical event of the new year? The first outing to the park.

After winter, the kids have been cooped up, and they practically attack the playground. There is so much to do all at once, that usually, one of the kids will run up to me, out of breath and cheeks flushed with color and say, "Mom? Can we stay a long time? A really long time?"

Of course we'll stay a long time, I want to say. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

We know our children grow up quickly, but nothing drives that point home more than the first time at the park in the spring. The child who couldn't reach the monkey bars last fall can, just a few months later, not only reach the monkey bars, but can propel himself across to the other side. Or maybe a child has aged enough to graduate from the baby swings to the "real swings." I, the Mommy, can sit on a park bench beneath a tree bursting with blossoms, and see the tangible proof that my children are growing and learning. It's an unstoppable force. With each changing season, the world becomes just a little more accessible to them as their bodies and brains grow and develop. I can't stop it, and I wouldn't want to.

My six year old calls to me. "Mom!" he yells. "Look!"

"Be careful!" I answer. Mommies have to say things like that. But I smile when I see him, grinning proudly at the top of a web-like structure. Just last year, I remember there were tears when he couldn't quite reach his legs to the right places to climb up to the top. But here he is, after achieving his goal with barely any effort. "Do you see me, Mom? Do you see where I am? I didn't know I could do that!"

Riding with Ruby

Riding in a car with a dog is an experience that’s new to me. In my childhood, I had cats. And I can tell you, riding in a car with a cat is not fun; it’s something only done when absolutely necessary. No, I did not know the experience of riding in a car with my dog until I became an adult. Pregnant with my third child, we decided our children deserved the joys—and yes, the responsibility—of dog ownership. Little did I realize that I was the one who would get a crash course in the joys and responsibility of raising a young family alongside a dog. And little did I know that this self-proclaimed “cat person” would be completely converted when we brought home Ruby, our spunky, playful and smarter-than-her-own-good Chocolate Lab. The tail wagging when she sees me—whether I’ve been gone for the day or gone to the mailbox—and her gentleness with the children has made me quickly consider her to be part of the family. It’s her exuberance that makes living with her so much fun. And the sheer happiness that happens when she hears the jingle of the leash that promises a walk does not compare to the absolute glee she exhibits when she hears me grab my car keys from off the hook that hangs by our back door. Ruby leaps and starts, imploring me with her eyes: Is the answer yes? Can we ride in the car?

Most of the time, the answer is yes. Driving my minivan back and forth between school and errands and piano lessons, Ruby is almost always invited to come along. In fact, I like her company, the way she listens intently while I chatter to her about my day or recite my to-do list while we wait for the kids to emerge from school. She never interrupts, and never once complains about the music on the radio. She sits quietly, and I wonder what she’s thinking as we pass trees and fire hydrants; when we pass other dogs on walks with their owners, she looks down at them regally. 

Once the initial excitement subsides and Ruby leaps up to her spot in the front passenger seat, she immediately takes on a much calmer persona. As I drive through town, I’ve taken note of other dogs who ride in cars. Some dogs bark and pace in the back seat, while others prefer to sit on their owner’s lap. I once saw a woman skillfully executing a left turn while balancing a cup of coffee in one hand and two chihuahuas, who scuffled on her lap, vying for the best view out the driver’s side window. Still other dogs prefer to hang their head out the window, their ears and tongue lolling in parallel ecstasy, eyes squinted, mouth in an open grin. But Ruby finds all that to be beneath her. On a cool summer day, she will allow her nose to hang out of an open window ever so daintily, where she sniffs the fresh air gracefully; I can see her nose wrinkle slightly. But for the most part, Ruby’s head is erect, looking straight ahead. On especially hot days, I turn the air conditioning vent toward her and she sniffs appreciatively.

We must look like quite a pair, the two of us. Whether by design or not, I chose a dog who matches me almost exactly in hair color. From behind, perhaps it just looks like I’m riding in the car with my sister, or a friend. Ruby looks through the windshield dutifully, nodding pleasantly to the school children who yell out her name; she’s become somewhat of a celebrity at our elementary school. She does not bark, and only wags her tail in a rhythmic thump, thump, thump when she recognizes her family or a neighbor.

Later in the day, I’ll take Ruby for a walk. The walk is that age-old ritual all dog owners adhere to; this in itself is a special time between dog and owner. But even as we end our walk, and Ruby and I return to our home and walk up the driveway, Ruby will pause by the parked car and look up at me imploringly. Her tail will wag hesitantly, as she searches my face for the answer: Can we ride in the car?

Family Camping

Because of the large span of ages in our children, I can see the writing on the wall: it’s going to get increasingly difficult to find family activities that appeal to everyone. How do you find something cool enough for a teenager that’s also friendly enough for a preschooler? Time will tell. But taking advantage of some unusually warm spring break weather, our family packed up the tent this past week and headed to a State Park nearby for an overnight camping adventure.

Somewhat a novice camper myself, I follow my husband’s lead when it comes to the camping trips. We like to make a game of it, to try to keep it as simple as possible. No electronic devices are allowed, and we rely on firelight and flashlights for our after-dark entertainment, which usually consists of s’mores and reading aloud. My husband and my sons, having read a variety of Gary Paulsen books that involve some type of wilderness survival, have an arsenal of pocket knives and even a magnesium block and flint to start our fires—proclaiming that matches are for wimps.

Of course, going without our regular conveniences make things a little slower, a little more deliberate. Which is why our camping trips are so technicolor: hands down, our camping trips have afforded us the most precious, concentrated family togetherness time. I have no doubt that our children, in adulthood, will look back on our times on the campground as the most special. Having a State Park as your living room turns your whole world upside down, especially for a family deeply entrenched in middle class suburbia. Look, there are deer behind those trees! Why are those geese flying in a V formation? These are things we don’t often ponder when in our natural habitat, which happens mostly indoors with modern convenience at every turn. Our trip to the “wild” reminds me how much I love my indoor plumbing, my hot shower and my electric coffee pot. But I’m game for the next trip. If I’ve got my husband and my kids and yes, even my dog, I’ve got everything I need. Sign me up!

The Tiara Was Simply A Formality

My sister—the kind of aunt who pays attention to detail—sent a Valentine’s Day box to my children last week. She took the time to write a separate, personal note to each of my four kids, and filled the box to the brim with novelty candies. But the centerpiece of the package brought squeals of delight from my daughter, and groans from my sons: a tiara! A most glorious plastic silver tiara, sparkled and oh-so-regal, complete with the little comb-tooth ends so that the tiara may adhere firmly to the princess’s delicately coiffed hair. I watched as my daughter, on a rare occasion of both breathlessness and speechlessness, placed the tiara immediately on her head.

The Princess, crowned Queen—after a lifetime of waiting to take the throne.

I have to hand it to my boys, who until recently, lived in a very cloistered environment where all things were Star Wars, Legos, and trucks. They did not have to deal with anything Barbie or girly. So, when the princess was born two years ago, it literally turned their lives upside down.

But this was too much. The tiara seemed to empower her even more, and she boldly began pointing to each brother, barking her commands. “Milk!” she screamed. “Now!”

My eldest looked at me, slightly amused. He gave me a look as if to say, “Is she serious?”

One by one, heads shaking, and eyes rolled heavenward, they left the room. The Queen shouted at them for a while until she sensed they were not coming back to her empire. She lost interest. In a brief moment of generosity, she turned to me and placed the tiara on my head. I worried that my huge Mommy-sized noggin would snap the thing in half, but she insisted. “Watch, Mommy,” she told me, very seriously. And out in the center of the area rug, she raised her hands above her head and twirled. As all queens do. I imitated her, and she seemed satisfied. All queens need their lady in waiting, after all. But as soon as my first queen lesson was over, my daughter reclaimed what was rightfully hers, and stuck the tiara back on her head. I noticed that instead of resting gracefully on top, she prefers to jam it across her forehead, perhaps to lessen the chance of some jealous underling stealing it from her royal head.

I sigh. Who will this little queen become? But I have no time to ponder that right now. The pointer finger is directed firmly in my face.

“Milk, Mommy. Now!”

Will Hold Babies at Funerals

I was at Susan’s house when she got the call. Susan is a fellow “Chaos Embracer,” a devoted Mommy who, for all intents and purposes, stays at home. But she is a professional musician, and her warm mezzo soprano is in demand for weddings and funerals. “Yes,” I hear her say to the person on the other end of the phone. “I can sing on Saturday.”

I know how she feels. It is winter, and since Nolan’s debut into the world, her life has centered around feeding schedules and diaper changes. She smiles adoringly at her baby boy, but I can see she is excited about the prospect of leaving the house on Saturday. Sometimes Mommies want to be recognized for their other gifts, too.

When Saturday morning arrives, it’s been determined that I will be the designated baby holder. I arrive at Susan’s doorstep, two coffees in hand, and we drive together into the city to the massive St. John Cantius church. Everything about the church is behemoth, from the heavy oak doors with wrought iron trim to the heavy light fixtures in the vestibule. I am not Catholic, and seeing the sanctuary nearly takes my breath away: morning sunlight streams through the huge glass windows and makes the intricately painted cathedral ceiling almost appear as if it’s glowing. There are too many carvings and painting and sculptures to possibly absorb, but the overall effect is magnificent. Even better when Susan begins rehearsing with Father Scott, a pleasant man who plays the pipe organ with ease and sincerity. No amplification is needed; Susan’s voice floats effortlessly throughout the church. She, like Father Scott, is well versed in the favorite sacred songs often sung at funerals.

But my job is the sweet babe, who has just had a filling meal and is resting comfortably in my arms. I am afraid that he will stir during the music, or at the sound of the priests praying, but these are the sounds that are already in this baby’s prenatal memory. He settles into my shoulder, only moving occasionally to adjust his head, or stretch a tiny fist.

The funny thing is, Susan thinks I’m doing her a favor. I guess I am. I understand how a Mommy sometimes loses her identity a bit when she is caring for a newborn. All the baby’s wants and needs come first, as it should be. But the Mommy needs these little windows of opportunity, to remind her that she was somebody in her own right before she became somebody’s Mommy. I am here to help her be that person, and to know, for an hour, that someone else will tend to baby’s needs.

But my reasons for being here a really more selfish. The intoxicating smell of baby, or more specifically, baby head, is just too sweet to pass up. Holding Nolan feels like putting on a rediscovered custom-fitted glove. The instinct to hold the baby, rock the baby, kiss the sweet peach fuzz at the hairline, to hum a soft, low tune in his ear is so strong that nothing will get in the way. Now that my babies are no longer infants, I finally understand what is so special about this fleeting stage of infancy. As Susan’s voice sweetly mourns the loss of a parishioner in this beautiful church, another life is here, warm and sweet and innocent and just getting started. And all I can do is breathe it in.

A-B-C Read to Me

My five year-old has done something amazing and beyond belief this month. He is reading. Somehow, he went from knowing his ABC’s to suddenly being able to look at those letters and decode words. Even though his two brothers before him have learned to read, this is still a miracle to me. Not long ago, he began haltingly pointing to each letter and painstakingly sounding them out, then slowly, with my help, mashing the sounds together to create a word. This week, a switch has been flipped. The letters have become words, the words are sentences, and the sentences are a story. Best of all, he knows that he is doing something amazing. He’s walking with extra swagger.

Last night, as I was reading to my older sons (we are currently engrossed in Mary Amato’s hilarious book, Snarf Attack, Underfoodle, and the Secret of Life: The Riot Brothers Tell All), the five year-old wandered into the room where we were reading and politely, but pointedly cleared his throat.

We stopped reading and looked at him.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you,” he said very formally, “but I want you to hear something.”

From behind his back, he whips out a beginning reader booklet, photocopied by his kindergarten teacher. It is all of four pages long. He clears his throat again.

I see the nine year-old brother rolling his eyes. He is anxious to continue Snarf Attack and does not like this unplanned intermission. I cast him a glare, and he catches my meaning: Don’t ruin this moment for your brother. His eyes unroll.

Five year-old clears his throat one last time and begins.

“I see a fan for me. Look at the little fan ...”

We listen attentively. When he is finished, we clap appreciatively. Nine year-old is feigning politeness; my applause comes with a definite welling up of tears and a leap in my heart. My baby is reading. A whole new world of possibilities have opened up to him. He’s earned a huge piece of independence, and it can never be taken away from him.

The new reader, satisfied with his public reading, takes a deep bow. “Thank you,” he grins. And just like that, he turns on his heel and is gone. The momentous occasion is over, and it is time to return to the zany antics of the Riot Brothers.

Down the hall, I hear my youngest son swagger into the room where my husband is, playing with our daughter. “Dad,” says our young reader, “I want you to hear something …”

One Is Not Always a Lonely Number

This morning, I am enjoying my first real alone time in thirteen years. Since becoming a stay at home parent when my first child was born, any time “alone” has come about by freak accidents (all the children napping at the same time, for instance) or by begging and bribing a friend to take my children to their house so I could get something done, like meet a deadline, or go to a doctor’s appointment.

This morning, for the first time ever, all four of my children are in school. At the same time.

Granted, this will only happen two mornings a week for me. My son just started morning kindergarten, and my daughter just goes twice weekly to a 2 year-old preschool. But quite honestly, I don’t know if I could handle any more aloneness for the time being. I’m going to have to ease into this slowly.

Most luxurious for me has been sipping my morning coffee, brewed in a French press coffee pot, doused with Vanilla Spiced Rum creamer. Every sip has been piping hot. Nobody needed their nose wiped or diaper changed while I was drinking it. I sat, and sipped.

The first hour of my alone time, admittedly, was spent doing some practical, utilitarian tasks. I’ve balanced our checkbook, I’ve updated a website that I’m in charge of. I’ve marked down some important dates on our family calendar, and I’ve filled out a form that was needed for my son’s school.

Hour two is all about me. I’m doing my favorite thing, which is putting words to a page, and then, folks, I’m going to take my piping hot coffee to the couch, put my feet up, and I’m going to read a book. A book that doesn’t have pictures. And I might get a whole chapter read (maybe two!) without interruptions.

Oh yes, I could definitely get used to this.

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite

When it comes to bedtime, I’ve failed miserably as a parent. I am embarrassed to say that all four of my children, from infancy onwards, just never quite get to bed at a decent hour. My mommy friends tell me their kids go to bed at reasonable hours, like 7:30 pm. To add insult to injury, they usually tell me that once soundly tucked in bed, they remain there for 12 to 13 hours until they wake the next morning, refreshed.

My children obviously had a secret meeting in which they all agreed to keep Mommy and Daddy awake for as long as possible. Our first child was the worst, mostly because my husband and I were living a bit like hippies, working a bunch of part-time jobs, my husband going to school. It was a regular occurrence that he and I would be up late, typing up articles, transcribing interview tapes or editing a newsletter (me), or writing a paper or studying musical scores (him). Our little boy, only one or two at the time, would just stay up late with us, often past midnight, playing with blocks. It seemed to make sense that we were all on the strange schedule together.

That was my excuse then. Now, I don’t really have one.

The kids no longer stay up past midnight, but they DO stay up late. For instance, my 5 year old is often the one who reminds my husband and me that our favorite show is on -- at 10 pm. Does that make us bad parents?

But it gets worse. Our kids often fall asleep in our bed. I know, I know. I’ve read all the parenting books, and they all say that’s a big no-no. The little ones, teeth brushed and jammies on, climb into our bed and snuggle in between me and Daddy. We read stories, we sing songs, we talk about our days.

The truth is, I don’t want it any other way. My oldest is a teenager now. He is growing up, doesn’t need snuggles from his parents like the old days. I know that this stage won’t last forever. And I also know enough now to forget about the inconvenience, the fact that it’s a bad parenting technique. I love little kiddoes in footy pajamas, nuzzling up next to me and whispering, “Good night, Mama. I love you.”

I love the fact that I can lift them up, heavy with sleep, and smell their hair and feel their even breathing against my neck just before I lay them in their own bed and tuck the covers tightly around them.

Good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite.