Fit to Be Fried: A Guide to Stress Eating

When it feels like the walls are closing in, nothing pushes out said walls—and the waistline—like some good old-fashioned stress eating. I sincerely hope I'm not alone in this because, well, misery loves company.

Recently, I received an invitation to a wine-tasting party. The invitation said something like "Sample Appetizers Perfectly Paired with Premium Wines from Selected Regions …"

It sounds so classy, doesn't it?

It made me start thinking about my stress eating. Despite the fact that stress eating is the furthest thing from classy, I realize I've developed some very specific "pairings" for my stress eating. Like a fine wine, I pair the comfort food to precisely match the type of stress I'm dealing with. So for all you stress eaters out there, I present to you:

Distracted Mommy's Sweet and Savory Guide:

Cleansing Your Palate 

of the Pungent Bitterness of Your Own Inadequacies

Anger

I combine my anger with the aggressive crunch of a Frito's corn chip. On special occasions, I call in the Chili Cheese variety when I'm getting dangerously close to my boiling point. Grab a handful of chips noisily in the loud, crinkly bag. Smack lips loudly while licking off the chili cheese residue from your fingers.

Financial Worries
White Castle Sliders, the little square hamburgers sold in the Midwestern chain restaurant, are a great way to drown your sorrows when you're short on cash. You can get an entire bag of them for a few bucks (that's a savings!). A few hours later, you'll regret your Slider Bender. But it will be worth it.

Fight with your Husband/Boyfriend/Partner
Chocolate, and not just some ol' cheap candy bar, either. Get yourself the good stuff—Swiss or German chocolate, the kind that melts before you get it into your mouth. For extreme cases, buy yourself a heart-shaped box of chocolates and eat the whole thing. It'll remind you of the times he used to get you chocolates, probably in the first 6 months of your relationship.

Fender Bender Woes
If your car is still drivable, get thee to a drive thru window for some fries with extra salt. If you're riding in the tow truck, buy the tow truck driver his/her own fries.

I'm Feeling Fat/Why Can't I Stick to This Diet?
Apples or bananas slathered in Nutella. Shut up—it's fruit.

Company is Coming and the House isn't Ready

*

When overnight guests are heading your way, and you know you have underwear in the guest bathroom and cobwebs in the ceiling fans, eggnog is easy to slurp while you run around the house trying to get ready. The obvious problem with this is that eggnog is seasonal. Take full advantage of eggnog season and drink straight from the carton in the grocery store parking lot.* Time's a-wastin'.

* Based on a true story. Leave me alone.
Fun fact: Eggnog is available at Christmas and Easter.

Why Can't I Shake this Cold/Flu?
When women get sick, things start to pile up and fall apart around them. In this situation, the stress food should contain medicinal qualities as well as provide a good comfort nosh. Therefore, I suggest rice pudding with a generous sprinkling of cinnamon.

Of course, these are just suggestions. Some other all-purpose stress foods include, but are not limited to:

-canned frosting
-ice cream
-Whipped Cream straight from the can
-Cracker Jack (there's a prize in every box!)
-Ramen Noodles

What is your favorite stress food? Leave a comment below.